Sunday, May 3, 2015

I've got the whole world....

I've got the whole world...on my chest.  Huh?  That is definitely not how the song goes, but let me explain...

I went in on Friday for my "dry run" to check that all the settings are correct on the radiation machine.  I tried everything in my power to avoid going to this appointment, but there was really no getting around it.  I had to go, but I knew it was going to be a challenge because it was going to involve the mask.  Oh that dreaded, infernal mask.  I really, really wish I was being overdramatic when I talk about it, but alas, I am not.  I did take antianxiety meds before I went, and I know that helped, but it didn't stop me from having a moment of sheeer panic as they positioned the mask over my face.  I think the worst part is hearing the sound of it being clipped to the table and knowing I am stuck.  I hate not being in control and in this situation, I could not be more helpless.  I did manage to quell the panic...I kept going to my happy place, trying to be anywhere but on that table.  When the happy place would slip away, I just kept repeating "You can do this" over and over again.  In my head, my voice still sounds like me, while in real life, my voice sounds very strange.  At least to me.  More on that another time.

Eventually, about half an hour later when all the required x-rays were shot and the doctor was satisfied, I was released from hell, I mean, the mask.  The tech assured me that the regular treatments would not be that long with the mask on.  After the first one.  And about every tenth one, when they will need to redo the x-rays to check that the position is still good.  Hopefully by then the mask won't be as bothersome.

Before I got off the table, the tech replaced my positioning sticker (see previous post) with a tattoo.  A teeny, tiny tattoo.  Really it just looks like a freckle slightly darker than the million freckles around it.  This is where the song comes in...

I was at the dance studio yesterday, hanging with the other dance mamas, showing off my new tat. (Because I am so, so tough!)   One of my friends (you know who you are, crazy lady!) looked at the teeny tiny spot and declared that she knew exactly what it was!  It was most obviously a tattoo of the entire Earth...from very, very far away.  Have I mentioned how this mama makes me laugh?  Ever since then, I've had the song "I've got the whole world in my hands" stuck in my head, but, of course, I have to replace "in my hands" with "on my chest."  I love having friends who are just a little twisted, just like me!  I really did try to take a picture of the teeny, tiny Earth to show all of you, but it just doesn't show up well in pictures.  Oh well, you'll just have to use your imaginations.

Today was spent at the last dance competition of the year.  I am so thankful that radiation managed to be pushed off until the girl was done competing.  I start my thirty days of treatment on Thursday and will go through the third week of June.  I am hoping and praying that the side effects take it easy on me, but I am preparing for the worst.  In the meantime, I am going to attempt to keep life as normal as possible with this crazy band of loons I live with.  We are winding down the end of 5th grade and Kindergarten, as well as being in the throes of three and a half.  There is NEVER a dull moment around here!  Thankfully, the kids have all really adapted well to my new reality.  They don't even blink an eye when I have to go clean my trach or I am giving myself meds through my feeding tube.  The littlest one did attempt to "fix" me with his play drill...when he headed for my trach I had to perform some elusive maneuvers to get away, but it was quite amusing to hear him telling his friends at school all about why I need the trach and tube.  He is quite the expert, even telling them "It doesn't hurt Mommy anymore, but it did yesterday."  Everything is yesterday for him, even things happening in the future. 

I think that is about it for today.  It was a long day spent sitting and cheering (okay, I can't actually scream and yell right now, but I did clap loudly!) and I am exhausted. 

Sparkles and love to you all,
Gayle



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